Category: General Bullshit

knee_ouch_2So this morning sucked.

I’m sure you’ve had these mornings yourself – mornings when nothing seemed to go right, you ended up bit late or hurting yourself or crashing the car or all of the above.

To be perfectly honest, this morning wasn’t as bad as ALL THAT, in so much as I didn’t crash the car and I wasn’t especially late, but I did manage to hurt myself and I as I sat nursing a bruised and swollen knee, I decided to do a minor deconstruction of just how it happened.

So yesterday I got home from work and noticed that our garage door was slightly up (rather than fully closed). I knew what this meant – the start/stop mechanism on the motor was out of alignment. Again.


When this happens it means the door won’t shut, it touches the ground-level, then opens right back up again unless you physically grab hold of the door & stop it (hence slightly up). IT. IS. SO. ANNOYING.

Side note: Glideroll and I are not friends.

I didn’t get time to fix it last night, so I resolved to do it today. But first we had to get the kids to school. There were to usual protests, refusals, compromises and concessions, but finally they were all at school or preschool and I could get on with fixing the garage door before I started work.

I needed to get it done fast because I had a LOT of work to do, so I started unloading paint tins from the shed (I needed room to fit the ladder in the space below the garage door motor). Of course in my haste, I dropped one of the paint tins and, while I did save it from spilling all of its paint by half-catching it with my foot, it left a large spurt of paint on the stone.


At least it didn’t hurt my foot – RIGHT?

The stone is semi-porous and the paint was water-based, so I resolved to hose it away rather than wipe it away. I unhooked the hose, it got caught on things, kinked (because it’s shitty and needs to be replaced), it stopped spraying intermittently, it annoyed me, but eventually I hosed the paint away.

Finally I went and got the ladder, wiped the spider webs off it, extended it, locked it in and stepped up ready to get this thing done fast.

Of course the ladder is also cheap and shitty and is a straight ladder, so its rungs are round and made of aluminium and my shoes were wet, so the first thing that happened as I stepped onto it was I slipped off one of the high steps, straight down and bashed my knee on the lower rungs.

And it really did fucking hurt.

I went inside, gasping and hopping, retrieved one of our ice packs and sat thinking about how it would’ve been so much – SO MUCH – faster to be more careful with the bloody paint tins.

Happy Thursday.


PS: I’ve since fixed the garage door mechanism.

PPS: Glideroll and I still aren’t friends.

PPPS: I probably now have spiders in my wig and I’ve only just thought about it.

mads_coffeeI had a dream last night.

I had a dream and for the first time in YEARS (I would estimate), I can remember it!

It was only relatively short, but somehow I was having a rather delightful lunch with Madonna at an on-street, outdoor cafe.

I don’t remember the details of the conversation, but I do remember waking up thinking that she was delightful company and what a nice chat over lunch.

I’ve never met Madonna in person and I tend not to watch anything celebrity-related, so I really have no idea what she would be like if we had really eaten a nice lunch together. I will continue to believe that it would be lovely.

In the dream, I was eating a pear, rocket and walnut salad (with balsamic dressing). It seemed rather tasty for dream food.

Anyway…So there’s me dream-name-dropping. Look out, Dream Elizabeth Montgomery*!



*I know she passed away in 1995. I just LOVED her in Bewitched (I mean who didn’t?).


So I was lucky enough to have my amazing colleagues in China take me out to see The Force Awakens today. Today was opening day for the latest Star Wars installment in China, but as many of you already know, this was my 3rd time.

Well, apparently China is receiving The Force Awakens only in 3D or Imax – no standard format.

I am SO GLAD that I was able to enjoy the film in Australia (twice) in standard format because despite me already loving this film – 3D is total shit.

I put on my 3D glasses (which clipped over my specs) & enjoyed the first interior shot of Stormtroopers – it looked cool with 3D – but then I got used to it, the image periodically split, fucking up the experience for me & nothing else in the film looked particularly interesting in 3D. Also I got a bit of a headache. Just small, but seriously – people are paying good money for a headache.

So here’s the rub: Movie studios began to pump money into 3D again in the mid-00s because A) they finally worked out how to make it with correct colour & B) 3D makes it harder for pirates to screencap the film.


Seriously – making movies in 3D to combat piracy is like Coca Cola making their flagship drink taste like someone shat in it to prevent people making cola.

Eventually we’ll stop drinking.

Until we can watch a 3D experience with our regular eyes, I do not want to ever attend another 3D screening of anything. And I know there are a bunch of people with me – especially those who get serious headaches from 3D like Co-Consul does.

Just like the 80s, 3D is not going to happen – stop trying to pretend it will.


Day 36:

My Master,

As you may have felt from the minor disturbances in the force, there have been some personnel issues during the test firing of the new Death Stars medium-range defensive cannons.wpid-wp-1437112064391.jpg

An accident during a live fire exercise has resulted in the death of an infantry stormtrooper.







A subsequent investigation determined that the personnel register originally drawn up for the Death Star’s crew (see graphic) did not include any actual Death Star Gunners. This oversightdeath_star_personnel forced the Moff in charge of tasking to use the only senior staff not already assigned to critical tasks. That’s right – we had to use managers. Unfortunately the manager in charge of test-firing the medium-range cannons was trying to cut corners and get to lunch early, so failed to aim before they fired.


I have dealt with the manager responsible appropriately.























I have also ensured that some trained, experienced Death Star Gunners have been posted to the Death Star. The medium-range guns have now been thoroughly tested.


The Death Star WILL be completed on schedule.


All my love,

— Darth Vader


Yes…my name is something starting with “I” and it has been 21 days since my last blog post.

I am a bad monkey.

It’s not so much that I haven’t had anything to post about, in fact, Co-Consul, 7yo, 6yo, 3yo & I just spent 10 days in Asia partying like it’s 1989, but rather while myself and my family are overseas I tend not to like to post about it. I’m not sure if I’m so much a private person or whether it’s more the relentless fear my parents drummed into me regarding being broken into & robbed which prevents me from blogging about or while on holidays, but either way, I put a ban on it. The utterly shite WiFi in some of the hotels we stayed in* was also a minor factor.

But here I am! Back to the land of Oz, rather a lot colder than I was in Singapore, Malaysia or Thailand, but all the better for having travelled.

Before we left I was feeling tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I wasn’t writing very much at all because I felt so tired, stressed and overwhelmed. Yes, yes – I know I should just keep going, but it’s very hard to do that when there is approximately 1 hour per week in which you can just keep going. My life seemed to have scheduled writing out of it and not being able to find time to write was part of what had me so stressed.

While we were away it was even more difficult with the kids sleeping in the same room as us, the timezone changes throwing us all out juuuuust enough to be annoying and there being SO MUCH to do during the days that the nights consisted of putting the kids to bed, then sleeping. But I got to thinking: I need to write, I WANT to write, I LOVE to write, so why don’t I just write? Why don’t I actively schedule in some writing time and just ignore everything else for those periods?

So here’s the plan:

  • Monday: Write on the bus + Monday Night Games (optional blogging when MNG goes tits-up…you know like tonight)
  • Tuesday: Write/Edit from 8 – 10
  • Wednesday: 5am Writers Club (yes – ouch. But it’s SOOOOO good)
  • Thursday: 5am Writers Club + 30 min blog window which could be filled with Writing/Editing
  • Friday: Party night. No writing unless Co-Consul is out, then it’s WriteClub!!
  • Saturday: 30 min blog window which could be filled with Writing/Editing
  • Sunday: 5am Writers Club + Write/Edit 8 – 10

So let’s see how this goes, but if I can actually DO this, it should give me around 8-9 hours writing time per week. Which is around 7-8 hours more than I’m getting at the moment and means I should have Bifrost’s second draft finished by the time I can draw a pension. HUZZAH!

Yes, I’ll write a travel blog post soon.



*Not LEGOLand – its WiFi was solid


Everybody, I suspect, who reads my blog (yes, all two of you) will have at some point come into contact with red velvet cake. Anyone who knows anyone who has read a cookbook or weekend newspaper* recently will have heard about it, seen the gorgeous photos of it, tasted it and possibly even made it themselves.

For the uninitiated, you can refer to the pic to the top-left for the visual. Beautiful isn’t it? I mean truly – red velvet cake looks amazing.

What a pity cake isn’t exclusively a visual medium.

If you’d like to know what it tastes like, I suggest you go out, find a large cardboard box, cut it into a series of same-sized circles, glue them together with Perkins Paste, paint them a rather rich, dark red, then microwave them for one minute and thirty seconds. What comes out won’t look as good as red velvet cake, but it will probably taste a little better.

Now perhaps I’m being a little cruel given that red velvet cake is unlikely to make you instantly vomit**, but I have tasted this cake several times, cooked by a number of different people – some of them superb actual chefs who make delightful other cakes, desserts and meals, I’ve tasted red velvet cake with different icings, presented in different ways, with and without syrupy stuff and the taste has been uniformly awful. And it’s not like each of these red velvet cakes had some different issue, no, it’s simply that the actual cake bit – the dark red stuff – tastes like crap. I’ve tasted $2 plain butter cakes from the supermarket with more flavour.

Like a gorgeous, well-dressed person who is a total arsehole, the red velvet cake will disappoint you every time.

AND YET THE BLOODY STUFF IS EVERYWHERE!! Every second dessert recipe I see is “Red Velvet Mufffins” or “Red Velvet Cupcakes” or “Red Velvet Cake with [insert icing with actual flavour in here]”. I do not understand why people persist with printing recipes for it.

What it is about red velvet cake which makes it taste so bad I cannot know, for I am about as talented with baking as I am with spinal surgery (and probably slightly more likely to kill you with it), but I will put forward a theory: great-tasting food doesn’t often look all that flash. I mean just look at a kebab – some brown stuff and red and green stuff mashed into a wrap with goop dripping off it. Attractive? No, but ooooh so delicious.

And perhaps that’s the secret – I mean it is a beautiful looking cake, so any print artistic director would love to see this cake in their pages. Magazines and newspapers are certainly a visual medium and who cares if the people reading your publication go out and bake the cake and it tastes hideous? They already bought the damn thing!

Well there you have it people, problem solved: do not allow newspaper or magazine artistic directors anywhere near your dessert menu. And enjoy your red velvet cake with your eyes only. ;o)


* Which are basically gossip mags mixed with recipe books anyway

** No, that would take probably two slices


So my Twitter diet lasted 7 days (almost exactly). In the end I think I returned to Twitter because I had learned a couple of things:

1) Twitter allows you to connect with and be contacted by like-minded (and oppositionally-minded) people. This is its great strength.

2) I like to have a day on a lot of things & Twitter is the one place I can do it in the moment before I forget all about it. This is Twitter’s blessing as well as its curse.

If I can control the urge to tweet when I really shouldn’t (been doing it for 7 days now), Twitter could stop being so much of a curse.

I’ve been slightly less angry lately which is good. Let’s see how the next week goes. Hopefully Twitter is not a factor, but if it is, then there will have to be significant changes.

In the end, the wonderful Leigh Sales & Anabelle Crabbe and their podcast Chat 10 Looks 3 were my Achilles heel. They were talking about TV show intro music and then they mentioned the West Wing which is a show Co-Consul & I loved (twice) and a show with intro music which still gives me chills. It it also intro music which soothed 7yo when he was a newborn, so it has multiple layers of brilliance for us.

Righto…back to Twitter.  Ah…I mean writing – yes, writing, not Twitter. Haha! Aaaaah shit.


wait_whatNo, this post has nothing to do with food, veganism, paleo, juicing, organic produce or any other gastronomic fuckwittery. Oh no, like all of these celebrities I seemed to find on Google when typing in “quitting twitter”, we’re talking zeroth-world problems here – I’m taking a break from Twitter.

Yep, hold onto your collective hats.

So…unlike these celebrities, I’ve received pretty lightweight mean tweets and I have only a few hundred followers and the question you would really like to ask (I’m sure…right?) because you totally give a shit what I’m doing with Twitter…you’ll bite, right? Go on – ask me why!!!


OK…SO glad you asked!always_angry

You see recently I’ve noticed (as have those around me) that I’m quite angry. Like all the time (Bruce Banner-style). Unlike Bruce, there is precious little in the way of upside to my anger. I’m trying a LOT of things to control it – anger management techniques, relaxation thingies (not drugs…yet) and I figured – hey I’ve been spending an awful lot of time on Twitter, why not give that a break for a couple of weeks too? Just in case those arseholes* I’ve actually been attracting tweets from lately have actually been affecting me.

So it’s day 4.

…and I’m writing a blog post about it already. What addiction?

Anyway…not sure how my anger is responding because it’s only been 4 days.

What I’m really noticing is the times when I would automatically open Twitter, read a few posts and respond to them. Instead I’m going to click on Twitter, resist, then open Facebook instead, get depressed at how much clickbait shit there is and close it again.

I’ve also still been reading Twitter infrequently. Yes, shut up, I’m reading Twitter. SO DESPERATELY want to reply, retweet, quote and get involved, but my unwritten rules specifically state that I’m not going to do that. So here I sit. Writing about not tweeting instead of tweeting.

Yeah, shut up, it’s been 4 days.







*Some may call them “Trolls”, I like to call them what they really are.


That close mask of the scent of sweat,
The cigarette you just sighed before I saw you,
Your shirt rides up,
Reveals your glistening stomach as you slide closer to me…

…and crush me into window.
You fat jerk.
I hate the bus.

rio_yorkOK, so our abject failure Prime Minister doesn’t believe in climate change. Fine. No brains in a statue.

But how’s this for an observation: this summer has been the summer of tropical weather in Sydney (a city many hundreds of over 1000km/700mi from the tropics). I’ve spent a little time in Brisbane (very much in the tropics) and I can tell you that during the wet season (tropical climates do not have 4 seasons, they have two: Dry & Wet) every afternoon, you get a torrential downpour.

This summer, in Sydney, we have experienced basically exactly the same thing and though our top temperatures haven’t quite reached the heights of previous years, it’s been pretty consistently hot & sticky. Yesterday I learned that 2014 had the second-highest average temperature for Sydney ON RECORD. This follows 2013 which had the HIGHEST average temperature on record. Here’s the people who actually monitor this stuff:

Bureau of Meteorology: Sydney in 2014

So it’s been warm. I did think that winter 2014 was pretty meek. Right now I’m sweating, it’s 11:30pm & every window is open.

Anyway…I’m hot is all, dammit. I know you poor suckers in the USA are freezing right now, but – hey the world’s getting warmer, so don’t worry you guys will be the same temperature as Brazil in no time! Hooray for climate change!

…you know, except that hot areas will all become deserts and coastal towns will become scuba diving exhibits…but hey – warmer weather!




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